笑話英文（精選16篇）
笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。下面是小編精心整理的笑話英文，僅供參考，歡迎大家閱讀。
笑話英文 1
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "Im not dead. Im still alive."
"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
笑話英文 2
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Monsignor." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Excellency." "My son is a cardinal."
continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Eminence. " The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, Oh, my God!"
笑話英文 3
A man was standing at a corner, with a hat in each hand, waiting for handouts. A passer-by stopped and dropped a coin in one hat, then asked, "Whats the other hat for?"
"Business has been so tremendous lately. " the man replied. " that I decided to open a branch office . "
笑話英文 4
Teacher: For final exam this time, you can take your textbooks, your notebooks, your dictionary etc., just as you do your homework as usual.
Frank: That sounds good. Then I can take my papa here.
笑話英文 5
One day, a cat played near the lake. Suddenly, a crab clamped it. The cat is rather cross , it ran after the crab.
After a while, that cat ran into the forest. A big brown spider making its net in the tree, the cat caught the big brown spider very fast, and the cat said to the big brown spider:" Did you think if you on the net, I will not know you? Yes, I still know you?!"
笑話英文 6
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella."
The little turtle replied, "I will, if you dont drink my offee."
"We wont," the other two promised.
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isnt coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."
Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I wont go."
笑話英文 7
An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
"Yes, " the farmer looked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."
笑話英文 8
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true.
Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
笑話英文 9
The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside.
The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think theyll build the fence?" "I dont know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.
笑話英文 10
After some laborious hours at her painting, she rose and called her husband, a famouspainter."Come and look at my picture, dear. Im so satisfied with the result that Im afraid thatpeople will mistake it for your work."
After a carful study of the painting, the artist replied, "Im afraid of that too."
笑話英文 11
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But Johns brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boys family name, so when he saw Johns papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
笑話英文 12
The squad were having “visual training”. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.
The party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots， but unhesitatinglythe recruit replied： “Sixteen men and a sergeant，sir.” “Right;but how do you know theres a sergeant there?” “Hes not doing any digging,sir.”
笑話英文 13
In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.
Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didnt know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my dates and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.
When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didnt want to hear: Go barefoot.
笑話英文 14
A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents
occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.
笑話英文 15
A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway
station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and hed obviously had one too many. Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response.
However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New
York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure youre all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"
At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! Im an undercover cop!"
笑話英文 16
Early one morning, my next-door neighbor set to work with a power hedge-trimmer. He was half through the job when a neighbor appeared，still in his pajamas. He was carrying his own power clipper and offered his help, which was gratefully accepted. When the job was done, my neighbor thanked his benefactor，commenting that it had been "a real neighborly act".
"Dont mention it，“replied the other man. "I figured,by helping you，it would only take half as long and I could get back to sleep!"
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