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詼諧幽默的英語笑話
沒想到那么貴
A shoplifter 51kxh.cn |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."
一個小偷在一家珠寶店企圖偷走一只手表的時候被當(dāng)場擒獲。“聽著，”小偷說，“我知道你們也不想惹麻煩。我把這只表買下，然后我們就當(dāng)什么也沒發(fā)生，你看怎樣?”經(jīng)理表示同意，然后列了一張售貨單。小偷看著單子說道：“這比我最初的預(yù)算稍稍高了一點，你們還有沒有便宜一點兒東西。”
為什么不呼救
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人搶你的手表時，你為什么不呼救呢?男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會發(fā)現(xiàn)我的四顆金牙，那就更糟了。
他們都在這里
The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"
典獄長對獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因為每逢周末的探訪日，大多數(shù)囚犯都有家人或朋友來訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。因此在一個探訪日，典獄長把喬治叫到辦公室說：“喬治，我注意到從來沒有人來探望過你。”他滿懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：“告訴我，你沒有任何朋友或家人嗎?”喬治回答：“喔!當(dāng)然有，典獄長，只不過他們?nèi)荚谶@里面!”
狗娘養(yǎng)的
my father, who was 14 years old than my mother, had been working on his will. at a family dinner he told us that he had provided well for mother, but the family home would go to us five children if she remarried.我爸比我媽大14歲，最近一直在寫遺囑。一次家宴上，他告訴我們說他為母親以后的生活作好了安排，但如果她改嫁的話，家里的房子將歸我們五個孩子所有。"i don't want another s.o.b. toasting his shins around my fireplace," he explained.“我可不愿意另外哪個狗娘養(yǎng)的在我的火爐旁烤他的狗腿，”他解釋道。with a sly grin, mother
cracked, "what makes you think i'd marry another s.o.b?"媽媽狡猾地咧了咧嘴，譏誚道：“你怎么認(rèn)為我會再嫁給一個狗娘養(yǎng)的?”
瞎子的判斷
Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he
stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.
從前有個瞎子。一天，他正在行路時踩著了一只正在睡覺的狗的腦袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一陣。這人又往前走，這回踩著的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起來。瞎子以為還是那條狗，驚詫地說：奇怪，這只狗可真夠長的。
always thirsty 總感到口渴
"i had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."一個男人對他的朋友說：“我動了一次手術(shù)，手術(shù)后醫(yī)生把一塊海綿忘在我的身體里了。”
"that's terrible!" said the friend. "got any pain?"
“真是太糟糕了!”朋友說道：“你覺得疼嗎?”
"no, but i am always thirsty!"
“不疼，可是我總感到口渴!”
拳擊和賽跑
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."
丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是一個粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的對手是一個比他高大，健壯而且也會拳擊的人怎么辦?”丹：“我也會教他怎么樣賽跑呢。”
神父，他有AIDS
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有個女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪...Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢?Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."女孩：昨天，我罵了某個男人一句：“你這個狗娘養(yǎng)的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：為什么?他對你做了什么嗎?Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父：你是說像這樣子嗎?(神父伸手摸女孩的胸部)Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩：(因為神父的舉動而有一些害羞)嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是這樣子的話你沒有理由罵他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是...他又把我的衣服脫掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父：你是說像這樣子嗎?(神父動手脫掉女孩的衣服)Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是這樣子沒錯。Preacher: That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是這樣子你還是沒有理由罵他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩：然後...他把他的...那個...放到我的...那個...里面...Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父：(奸笑貌)你是說像這樣子嗎?(神父和女孩就那個那個了)
Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that s what he did...女孩：(數(shù)分鐘後)喔...是的...就是這樣子...Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父：我親愛的孩子，就算是這樣你還是沒有理由罵他「你這個...」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩：但是他有AIDS呀!Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父：那個狗娘養(yǎng)的!!!
我沒有看到另外一塊
Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.
媽媽：約翰尼，我今天早上在櫥子里放了兩塊點心。現(xiàn)在就剩下一塊了。你能解釋一下嗎?約翰尼：嗯，我想是因為里面太黑我沒看到另外那塊。
魔鬼的妹夫
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
一位婦人發(fā)現(xiàn)丈夫回家的時候總是爛醉如泥，她決定為丈夫治好這個毛病。一個萬圣節(jié)夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戲服，躲在樹后，準(zhǔn)備在丈夫返家時攔截他的去路。
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
當(dāng)丈夫走近時，她從樹后跳出來，站到他面前，頭上帶著紅色的羊角、身后有長長的尾巴，手中握著鋼叉。
"Who are you?" he asked.
“你是誰?”丈夫問到。
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫說，“我娶了你的姐妹!”
最丑的孩子?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
一位女士抱著她的寶寶上公交車，司機看到后說：“額，那是我這輩子見過的最丑的小孩。”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
女士走到車廂后面坐下，感到很憤怒。她對旁邊的男士說：“司機剛剛羞辱了我。”男士回應(yīng)說：“你快上去斥責(zé)他。去吧，我替你抱著你的猴子。”
A Man of Actions
A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”
A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.
Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”
He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”
一群學(xué)生聚在牛津的校園里，一個年輕人情緒激動地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那個家伙不收回他今早 對我說的話，我今晚就離開牛津。”
下面一片喧嘩。“真是個言出必行的人。”一個人艷羨地說。另一個說：“我們要支持他、學(xué)習(xí)他。”
突然，一個女孩問道：“那家伙對你說什么了，霍波?”
他彎下腰小聲說：“哦，呃…呃…，羅斯小姐，呃…他說要我今晚從牛津滾出去。”
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